Can I just first say how terrible I am at blogging?.....okay, got that out of the way! On to the main event! I've reflected lately on the Christmases that I spent in the mission field, and I can honestly say they were the most unique and probably most spiritual ones I've ever experienced in my 23 short years. In reality, we are supposed to carry that special spirit with us EVERY DAY, and not just during the holiday season. Not an easy thing to do, but is anything that's worth it supposed to be easy? I have certainly been blessed probably more than I deserve, but this blog isn't going to be about me. If it was, then it would be painfully short. Instead, I would like to share some gifts that I would give to some of my fellow missionaries from our days in the Ohio Cincinnati Mission.
To my esteemed trainer, Elder Nathan Hall: I have two gifts for you. The first is a pie, because everyone likes....oh wait...you spilled it. Well maybe some napkins instead. The second is a BLACK Santa Claus, 'cause everyone knows that Santa has always been black and if you think he's white, you're colorblind!
To my Canadian sidekick, Elder Luke Allred: Some better-looking shorts to go with those tights. The Lakers just aren't cutting it for me. You could also use some ties, since you had only a few when we served together.
To Elder's Dillon Durfey and Chad Durling: I honestly don't know what to give you guys, since you already have everything it takes to be cool. And gangster.
To Elder Nathan Scholes: There are many gifts that I would love for you to have, but I'm gonna start with something simple. You need a bigger pillow to kneel on whenever you fall asleep during prayers. You also need to get a totally awesome Coldplay shirt like mine.
To Elder Feleti Mataele: A real gun so you can be a Polynesian hitman. "Children, he has a gun!"
To Elder Eric Ficklin: An AK-47 would complete the ensemble
To Elder Jared Lunquist: I certainly think you could use a healthy does of good luck, for a change. Between exploding bags of peanuts, to kerosene infested rooms that make you gag, to crafty members who pull April Fool's Day pranks, you are due for some sunshine.
To Elder Zach Janiec: That whole piece of land to use at your pleasure for driving golfballs. Oh, and don't let me use your golf clubs under ANY circumstances. Oh yeah, and you need a package that has more than just chips in it.
To Elder Ryan Remington: Some corn that tastes a million times better than that other kind, which isn't for people, as we found out. You also need a better looking cape than that nasty, smelly animal skin. Although, you fly pretty well regardless.
To Elder Frank Parker: Some real shorts, 'cause those just aren't right. And a bodybag to hide the evidence.
To General...I mean Commander...no, Elder Fred Bittner: ................you know, I think you have everything you need. Not sure that anything I give you could compare to your other possessions.
To Elder Carson Rush: First, you need a shirt that has some kind of logo on it. I mean seriously, that shirt has NOTHING! It's so plain. Second, a rain jacket of some kind so you stay dry...in a car wash. And third, a new and improved truck that is "black ice proof."
To Elder Cory Loveland: You could probably use some protection from that angry looking storm cloud...oh, and something to shield your eyes from the "Price Hill Prostitute." Ba-dow!!
And last but not least, to Elder David Kirk: You need a haircut, plenty of "priceless junk," and a port-a-potty. Other than that, you are all set.
In conclusion, despite the "value" of these gifts, the greatest gift that these missionaries gave me, as well as all the rest in the Ohio Cincinnati Mission, was the chance to stand with them in testifying of the Savior Jesus Christ and His restored gospel. Nothing on earth could compare with that knowledge. Merry Christmas to all!